I was on one of those mental rabbit trails where you suddenly look up and have no idea how you got here. The track behind me veiled in the mist of forgetfulness, I found myself in a clearing contemplating why I don’t like using pens. Uh-huh. Pretty fascinating, right?
Believe it or not, I managed to turn this random thought process into an introspective analysis of myself. But perhaps that isn’t too surprising to those who know me well. As I started to inspect my dislike for pens, I noted that I don’t mind using them for things I plan to throw away, like sticky notes and to-do lists. I also realized that I don’t like using beautiful notebooks or journals for anything permanent either. I never feel anything I write is worthy of them.
One elegant red and gold journal exhibits faint signs of use on its first two pages where I wrote something down in pencil, deemed it unworthy, and erased it. That’s about the closest I’ve ever gotten to using my favorites of the many notebooks people have given me over the years. I can use most of the pretty (but not gorgeous) notebooks without qualms, but the special ones are just too special. I don’t want to ruin them or fill them with something that I will want to throw away in five years. Childhood experience in such matters has scarred me a little, I think. And talk about a high bar, one pale blue journal with gold stars scattered on it says in gold letters on the cover “My Bright Ideas.” Even someone without my authorly commitment issues would probably find that a bit intimidating.
Once I made the connection between pens and notebooks, I looked around the mental clearing and began to notice other patterns around me that all point to a hesitation to commit when writing. I don’t want anyone else reading what I might write in these journals, and I can’t just delete or revise the content like I can in a computer document. In fact, I’m even a bit scared of what my future self will think of what I write. Have you ever read a childhood journal and thought, Why did I write this, or My handwriting was terrible (or worse, My handwriting was better when I was eight)? Finally, if the content is on the border between awful and sentimentally valuable, you must decide if it’s really worth keeping that notebook as you try to downsize your stuff. Why set myself up for hard decisions like that?
As we embark on a new year and a new decade, let me stop you right there. I do not intend to set any grandiose personal goals. While I’m fond of making lists and setting goals, New Year’s resolutions have never appealed to me, so don’t even think about it.* I’m going to start small because, as I’ve just pointed out, I’m a bit scared of committing to something in writing that I can’t erase or edit. But I also know the value of pushing my limits and learning from all the mistakes that come with simply trying, so I want to push my limits at least a little. After all, isn’t that what Thousand Mile Walk is all about? We didn’t call our blog Writing Epitome or make any claims that everything we post will be gold standard. “Writing isn’t a destination; it’s a journey” is our motto, and I should remember that more.
As I headed out from that mist-veiled clearing to explore new rabbit trails, and as I return to the clearing to write this introspection, I have decided to write in pen at least some of the time for things that matter and consider using my beautiful journals if I can come up with a convincing plan for how I can create content that will be at least moderately timeless.
I resolve to be a braver, bolder writer. At least a little bit. 🙂
*(Side note: Why wait till a new year to start your new project? If it’s that worthwhile, why not start right now?)
Photo credit: by Jaymantri from Canva.com