Danielle “What is wrong with you?” Phillips has passed on to a new job opportunity unexpectedly at the age of 24. Danielle leaves behind six team members, some of whom are admittedly more beloved than others, as well as approximately 350 other coworkers.

Danielle was adept at speedily accomplishing whatever tasks were thrown her way, sometimes fielding as many as five to six complicated “high priority” requests in a single morning. However, her duties and accomplishments are not all that interesting to talk about, comparatively, for despite Danielle’s high level of professional performance, she was, quite frankly, a weird individual. She loved nothing more than regaling her coworkers with strange statements and stories, only some of which were slightly exaggerated, and always tried to make up for whatever oddness she had put everyone through in the last week by bribing key players with chocolate every Friday.

The most frequent target of Danielle’s bizarreness was her team member Anna, who bore with Danielle’s fits of manic energy (often precipitated by boredom) and subsequent harassment about as well as could reasonably be expected. Danielle’s plethora of only-funny-to-her-jokes, pretence of not understanding certain common words and phrases, and propensity for random, piercing stares were standard issue. One-time “projects” included spending an entire day devoted to utilizing the expression “How do you like them apples?” as often as possible (“Do you like sauce? How about them apple sauce?”), convincing Anna that different colored M&Ms were different flavors and that you could ripen fruit by throwing it against a wall, and an extended monologue concerning the elements of “Fresting” season, a (as Anna eventually learned, completely made up) time when birds go around pecking various objects in order to determine whether or not they are a tree. Anna endured all this and more with only a near-perpetual frown on her face, numerous whimpers, and frequent usage of the phrase: “Don’t talk to me for the rest of the day.”

Likewise, Tom finally realized that Danielle had no real end goal when she asked him to describe in detail every meal he was having – she just liked food and was curious how much of his time she could waste. Danielle was also the reason Justin, a soul whose vacancy was often mistaken for congeniality, once exclaimed “Enough with the cookies!” in a fiercer tone than the team had ever heard him use.

Danielle’s other accomplishments include forging Tom’s business cards, to prove she could, composing a sci-fi-esque theme song for the company’s social media team, to prove she could, and using an empty paper ream box to construct a southwestern diorama, complete with circling vultures, to prove she could. She was the receiver of approximately four Coca-Colas as the result of winning a variety of bets, one of which consisted of sneaking the phrase “Engage with Zorp” (an expression from the hit NBC sitcom, Parks & Recreation) into [redacted]. Other pastimes included roaming the hallways and identifying every security camera in the building, even the camouflaged ones in the break rooms, and searching for whichever vending machine contained the last bag of coveted white cheddar popcorn.

Danielle’s proudest accomplishment in her time at her now former employer was personally throwing out the decaying and musty-smelling fake flowers in the women’s restroom, after the responsibility for doing so was passed back and forth and back and forth between so many official individuals that she decided to just take matters into her own hands. However, contrary to popular rumor, Danielle did not “once eat a banana peel out of the garbage.” Rather, she once took about a dozen overripe bananas that were in a box in the third floor trash can, and made banana bread out of them, and it was delicious, allegedly.

Please take time commemorate Danielle and all her hard work by making one of her favorite noises: a high-pitched shriek reminiscent of a velociraptor, a loud call resembling a cross between a goat and a bagpipe, or the morbid moo of a morose whale.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s