Once a year, when I was a young lass, I used to routinely ensconce myself in front of the TV to watch the Academy Awards, better known as the Oscars. While the occasional moments of spectacular pageantry would divert me, mostly, I am beginning to suspect, I was only interested because everyone told me I should be. As an adult, my thrift-induced lack of cable means I don’t really have a way to watch the ceremony live, and, if I’m being honest, I’ve enjoyed saving myself five hours and simply reading up on the highlights the next day. Internet has killed the video star.
Of course, one of those next-day highlights I have consistently, genuinely eaten up is the fashion. Some portion of the day after the Oscars is always devoted to scrolling through a photo gallery of famous and not-so-famous actors and actresses, dressed in (what is purportedly) their finest. And then going and looking at another photo gallery, because some of the angles on that last one were a little awkward. And then looking at those sites that have the dresses arranged by color, because I’m always curious if there’s a majority hue. And then looking at a couple of “Best/Worst Dressed” lists, to see if their choices agreed with mine. And then, of course, discussing said lists with similarly interested friends.
I don’t really have a rational reason for this binge. I’ve no occasion for wearing such finery myself; I wore a Star Wars t-shirt I bought from Target to work today. I’m no fashionista; it means nothing to me when I read a person’s shoe is by Louis Vulture or the bag by Christian Door. Really, what can I say? I like beautiful dresses, and I like critiquing beautiful dresses. Thus, without further ado, I present my 2018 Oscars Awards for Fashion, or the 2018 OAFs.
The Oooh, Shiny! Award
Presented to the individual(s) that most call to mind a quote from How I Met Your Mother: “One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects.”
Gal Gadot, for Sparkly Dress with a Fluttery Skirt & Fantastic Necklace; Jennifer Lawrence, for Rockin’ the Retro Look; Gina Rodriguez, for Sparkling Both Inside & Out; Lupita Nyong’o, for Gold Dress, Albeit with a Slit I Wouldn’t Wear
The Color Envy Award
Presented to the individual(s) who best pull off colors that I cannot myself wear without looking like a corpse
Greta Gerwig, for Bright Yellow SPARKLES; Zendaya, for Successfully Pulling Off Ruffles in Brown; Laurie Metcalf, for Beige Shimmery Classic Number.
The Emperor Palpatine Award
Presented to the individual(s) who most resemble Emperor Palpatine’s guards
Maya Rudolph, for Just Add the Helmet & Honestly I Couldn’t Tell the Difference
The “I’d Wear That if I Were an Evil Queen” Award
Presented to the individual(s) who are wearing something I would totally wear as a Dark Empress
Allison Janney, for Rockin’ Those Red Sleeves, Have You SEEN the Way They Drape?
The Actually Made Me Briefly Care About Men’s Fashion Award
Presented to the rare male individual(s) whose red carpet photo actually causes me to pause and look closer, instead of just scrolling past another man in a black tuxedo
Chadwick Boseman, for Hello There. Don’t You Look Fiiiiiiine. Why, Yes, It Is Rather Chilly, I Would Like to Borrow Your Coat. Thank You. Your Coat is Mine Now. Goodbye.
The “That’s Not How I Would Have Rolled, But Props to You” Award
Presented to the individual(s) wearing something rather outlandish, but still pulling it off
Tiffany Haddish, for The Dress is Quite Something, But I Do Actually Really Like Her Headpiece; Emma Stone, for Rocking a Suit and Somehow Not Being Frumpy
The Living Your Best Life Now Award
Presented to the individual(s) who are rocking a dress they clearly love, whatever the merits of the dress itself
Whoopi Goldberg, for That Large Floral Dress, You Go Girl
The Disney Princess Award
Presented to the individual(s) whose outfits most resemble that of a Disney princess
Salma Hayek, for Shimmery Purple Tiers with Diamonds, I Understand Some People Didn’t Like It, but She Just Got Through Saving the Kingdom from Mother Gothel, So Back Off; Emily Blunt, for Wearing a Gown that Somehow Looks More Like the Original Animated Cinderella’s Dress than the 2015 Remake’s Version
The Bed Sheet Award
Presented to the individual whose outfit most resembles a fitted bed sheet
Andra Day, for I’m Pretty Sure I Made that Outfit While Playing Dress Up When I Was 12